Leg cramps. I get them real bad.
Remembering how much debt I'm in.
The cat wanting to snuggle or play. Like can you please not?
Just hope the cat isn't swinging at your bean bag like it's a toy
So I never get a chance to tell this story. But right before my husband and I closed on our house, we were living in an apartment. We were like a week away and our security deposit was looking like it was gonna come back fine. Well in the bedroom on the right side of the bed was a window, on the other side our closet and door to enter the room. So he and I are in the first year of our marriage, so newly wed sex life. Kinda.
One afternoon we are beginning to get going and we’re kissing. Our big orange furball of a cat is on the bed nudging is for pets. My husband keeps shooing him away. So what does my 15 lb mainecoon furball do? He full on **launches** his whole body into our closed blinds. The blinds **shatter** all over the place from his impact and he goes flying out of the room. At this point I’m laughing so fucking hard that there was not going to be any progression into sex. I was literally in tears with my sides aching because I was laughing at how ridiculous the situation was. My husband wasn’t as amused. He was pissed we had to replace the blinds a week before moving out. He was probably annoyed that he was pussy blocked too, but I still find it hilarious to this day.
[Picture of my psycho cat weeks after his launch](https://imgur.com/a/Sk1yCxr) this is in our new house.
When a guy doesn’t hold his own body weight while on top and nearly crushes me to death.
Dated a guy once that used to put his forearms on my upper chest / shoulders. So he was like forearm planking on me. With all his weight on me. Fucking hurt like hell and I got bruises. Why would anyone think to do that
God damn him. You’re just 12 marshmallows, how are you supposed to support the weight of an entire man?!
This made me laugh so hard hahahah
The urge to fart
It’s worse if they’re going down on you! No one wants a fart in their face! Lol
slipping out, that shit just makes yourself paranoid
Slipping out and then slamming your dick full speed into her pelvis.
That shit fucking hurts
The weird gurgle your stomach does after you drink something before the act. You start thrusting and it's sounds like liquid sloshing around in a half empty barrel.
Lol I laughed hard at this. Remember as a kid when you first discovered that by jumping up and down?
I watched my two year old discover his belly sloshing yesterday, he enjoyed it greatly!
When I say “right there” or “don’t stop” and his ass immediately switches positions. Like bruh, this is a two way street thank you
“Per my previous email…” lol.
Seriously though. Half of the comments here are like “communicate more” and the other half are like “ just tell me what you want!” It’s kind of funny. But I agree, like, if you’re trying to focus on getting there and then he switches and it’s like “now I have to start over!”
The wrong music.
I have this hidden in my sexy time playlist just for a laugh it's like 6 hours long so statistically it's only going to come up once in every 100 sessions...
Am I the only one who doesn't have a "sexy time playlist?"
pro-tip, if you're gonna use spotify for this purpose, pay for premium.
the commercials are an instant mood killer.
Bright overhead lighting. I’m fine with lights on but especially if I’m in a position where I’m staring at the ceiling it’s just hard to focus with a bright ass light in my eyes. A lamp is fine.
Like a surgery room. Fun.
E: This is killing me. I love that everyone got a kick out of this comment and took it to mean sex in a surgery room, but all I meant was it reminded me of how when you get wheeled into surgery, the last thing you often remember if those big metal light reflectors above you before it’s night night time. But, Reddit’s gonna Reddit.
People fuck in those too you know. I’ve seen it on PornHub so it must be true
Yup. My guy always wanted me to give him head but never came close. I was like, “can you give me some feedback please?” He was kinda stunned like “I didn’t know I was supposed to make noise”, which I think a lot of guys believe. Finally he said “ooh just like that” with a specific movement. Now it’s all good.
“Cum for me”
Like I was getting there but now there’s all this pressure lmao
"Cum for me"
Well shit, now I'm nervous
Well shit, I just came
“You cum for me you son of a bitch or little Tony won’t live to see the sunrise”
It’s become normalized but zero foreplay. Like can I get wet before taking your dick sir???
My husband RELIGIOUSLY pre-heats the oven until the indicator light goes off before putting in the pizza rolls, but by hell he seems to think 29 seconds of foreplay is sufficient.
I love this man dearly but damn.
Edit: Holy shit I did not think y'all would actually enjoy the mindfuck. Thanks for the awards!
My husband is actually quite good at the sex part. I like to poke fun at him occasionally. Been married nearly 15 years so while he may be a drunk level 7 Bard in foreplay, he is a level 99 Paladin weilding a Holy Avenger the rest of the time.
I totally thought the entire first half was an innuendo and you were bragging about your husband. Had me in the first half.
Edit: (I thought you were calling your vagina the oven and his penis the pizza rolls)
I also thought it was an innuendo and I went r/yesyesyesyesno
You are my people because I totally thought the same. I was even thinking it was a clever analogy 🤣
Right? My ex didnt even like making out and that's all I asked for, he would go straight to just taking off my pants and trying to ram it in, and then had the AUDACITY to complain and say that I didnt like sex lol
Too many phone notifications
Yes! Or a phone ringing
My friend had the flashlight notification thing so sometimes when I was bored I’d spam text him
Turns out he had a girl over and they were in the middle of hooking up and the room turned into a rave to where she stopped and grabbed the phone and asked me to stop
To which I would usually just go on for a bit longer and I did and she did it again and apparently I ruined the mood
Friend called me laughing but also cursing me out great times
If your phone is obnoxious when receiving text messages, it ain't the senders fault lol
Right? Plus it's the flashlight. Just turn the fucking phone over.
Sometimes when he sees I'm just about to orgasm he speed's up and goes harder and faster, but the rhythm was just right as it was and I needed him to not do anything differently at that point.
DONT CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING. KEEP IT EXACTLY THE SAME IM GONNA CUM.
We need explicit directions.
MAINTAIN PRESENT COURSE AND SPEED, HELMSMAN
BUT SIR, THE ICEBERG?!!!??!
DO NOT CHANGE DIRECTION!
DO NOT DEVIATE FROM COURSE!!
I know some people need dirty talk, was with a girl who could not finish without it...but I just can’t do it man I feel so cringey and awkward
My issue with this is that I’m spending so much energy trying to find a coherent sentence I lose focus and things kinda flop lol
The TV on and too loud so it distracts me.
Is she enjoying this? What position next? Slow down or it’s over …. I should get her a towel
Something I've learned (from too much AskReddit) is that saying the words "Come for me baby" is enough to send anyone into a mental spiral of trying to figure out how to make that happen, to the point that even the most premature guy won't be able to finish any time soon.
And the opposite is also true...
Her: "Right there! Don't stop! Keep doing exactly that!"
Or when you say that and they take it as an instruction to intensify the action or up the tempo. Nooo, I said to KEEP GOING EXACTLY LIKE THAT!
> "Come for me baby"
*Aspect ratio changes*
So, you're saying that if I want to last longer, I just have to ask her to ask me to come for her?
I've heard people say the exact opposite where they creamed at the instant they finished their sentence so take that statement with a grain of salt
yup. that or they go into the rut and then its like ok jackhammer, calm down. i said come for me, not destroy my foundations.
She's a brick house.
Really? If my SO says that to me it’s game over and there’s about anywhere between 30-60s left before I blow my load.
One of the dogs eating extremely loudly
This is one of the issues I have during sex for real.
In summer, I need a fan/AC to blow on me directly or I will overheat after 10 minutes and cannot continue.
10 minutes? Take a look at this stud over here, guys!
And the fancy fuck has air conditioning.
“Are you all the way in?”
I ran out of dick two inches ago.
You don’t have enough PP for that move.
QueefofPolice used struggle!
They were damaged by the recoil!
> If you tell me to "go deeper" and my pelvis already touching you... U just rude as hell. You know good n well I dun ran outta dick.
You can clinch your butt cheeks to give her the "Devils Inch"
My last resort. After that, just cut my life into pieces.
Use your balls as an emergency inch
…in? I’m already finished
(cue descending slide whistle tone)
I’m not sure if this is normal, or if I’ve just been unfortunate enough to have it happen multiple times.. but when you’re hooking up with a guy, and he’s rubbing what he thinks is your clit, but in actuality is nowhere near it, so you just move his hand to the correct spot and he says:
“That was too much for you to handle, huh?”
In such a cocky voice.. it’s the biggest turn off.
God I hate this too. Like bitch no, I just don’t like my pelvic bone fingered to hell and back.
One time a guy was trying to tease me thru my pants while we were Netflix and chilling, but he kept trying to finger the spot between my vulva and thigh...
I felt so fat and embarrassed I didn't even say anything
Another objectively skinny person:
My **husband** of ten years still manages to do this ***when we are both naked***
It's not you
I don't have a specific memory of it, but I'm certain that someone, at some point, did a, "Wait... do this... right here." of some kind, and I'm forever grateful to whoever it was.
Omg I cringed so fucking hard. YUCK.
Guys thinking they're rubbing your clit when in reality they're nowhere fucking near is the worst. I do my best to tell/show them what feels good but it doesn't always seem to work.
Omg you poor thing lol
Too much heat. I don't want things steamy, I want things nice and room temperature where I can still be comfortable.
As someone that sweats buckets WAY to easy cooler is better. We can make our own heat thank you
I dunno, two sweaty bodies can make some interesting "strangled trombone" noises when they get all pressed up against each other. Kinda funny.
If Reddit had an onomatopoeia award, I would've given it to you. Well done.
During??? That's a hard one. Maybe like kids waking up and crying.
The knock of doom. If that verbal exchange through the door lasts more than 3.7 seconds my penis stops working for the next three hours
Your subconscious was like "oh yeah, sometimes banging my wife makes little human beings to feed, lets think about this a bit before we continue". Very wise.
Meanwhile my dumb ass is holding the door closed with one leg while I shout at the kids to leave us alone. We aren't stopping just because the doomspawn have come to bargain.
~~Dormammu~~ Doomspawn I've come to bargain
I find yelling "No!" with the right tone as the knock comes will stop children and confuse women, which are both great for The Old Ones energy and stamina.
The Old One lmao. I did the "No!" thing early on but one time I went out into the living room after one of those situations and my little dude was sitting on the couch quietly crying with a skinned knee. I felt so horrible
that’s so sad omg
He's such a gentle little kid too. That's what made it so heartbreaking
Oh man that sent me straight from belly laughing to an aw poor little dude in an instant! I think I need some doomspawn of my own. Hahaha
I had a terrible experience:
It was post bang, we were just cuddling, typical arm around her type deal.
Her kid came in, had a bad dream.
We probably woke her up, but I DIDNT KNOW SHE HAD A KID. Kid crawled into bed. Her mom was closest to the door so she didn't see me. No big deal . I was super tense and the girl told me not to worry, she'll take her to bed when she falls asleep.
I ended up falling asleep. Woke up to a kid squeezing my hand and I was petrified. Not sure why but all I could think about after was how this poor kids life is. Random dudes coming over and not realizing whats going on.
That was almost two years ago in November.
I have not had sex since.
I mean...this just raises questions about what led to that moment. Like, did y'all go out and then come back to her place? Was the kid left unattended that whole time or was there a babysitter that somehow you didn't witness? If the whole time was at hers, did you just show up after dark and go straight to bangin'? Context is needed here for how you didn't know there was a child in the building old enough to walk and talk.
Haha woops context:
I took her out to a restaurant, I'm assuming she had a baby sitter. I Dropped her off and an hour later she texted me saying I should have just stayed. We got to texting a bit more dirty and then I suggested I could just come over now.... And she went for it.
When I got there it was all dark except her room with the tv on.
I didn't ask any questions because you know, penis.
Oh dang. All right it all makes sense now. Girl knew how to play it.
Exactly. That hour she was home was getting the kid to bed so she could have her booty call.
They always know when you're about to do the deed.
I speak several languages and get asked to talk dirty in different languages, it’s very distracting switching your mind to a different language mid sex.
Learn Vulcan just to mess with the next one
Naw. Nothing is sexier than letting your partner know that they are a disgrace to the empire in perfect Klingon.
For EVERYONE saying "The headboard hitting the wall." Fuck on the bed width wise, instead of length wise. You're welcome!
Twin bed gang in shambles.
Fake moaning. When it's real it's great, but when you can tell it's fake, it's the worst
Edit: I’m slightly annoyed this is the most liked comment ever. But hey, I guess fake moaning kinda works 🤷♂️
Walla walla walla bing bang
This guy fucks
This guy calls the witch doctor
Same. I'm quite vocal, and I swear a lot during. I always get self conscious when I read this shit in an AskReddit thread.
I actually had a guy tell me to stop faking it. Because I was too loud. Because I was literally on the precipice and about to go primal.
Waved my orgasm goodbye.
Could have been worse. You could have developed a really weird specific fetish.
"Ok, when I get close, I need you to call me a lying bitch and demand I stop faking it."
I'm an airbnb host renting out my downstairs unit. Every once in while we'll have a couple, usually young, come in and have very loud sex, complete with fake moans. It's the furtherest thing from sexy, and we usually find it pretty funny.
The funny thing is that real moans are easily definable by the fact that they ARE irregular. Real moans aren’t just “oha” on repeat for twenty minutes. They fluctuate as the breathing changes in rapidity; muscle contractions make these changes. And your partner loses thought of their breathing and sounds.
Porn stars be like: OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH YESSSSSSSSSSS AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHH OOOOOOOOK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAARRRRRRXDDDDDDEEEEERRRRYESSSSSSSSSS DADDDDYDYDYDYDYDYDYYDGDYDGD
See, you're putting the emphasis on the wrong spot. It's more of a "yes yes yes uuhhYYYEEESSUHH"
The girl I lost my virginity to had the over dramatic porn star moans. Like, bitch this is my first time, I know it ain't that good
Edit: thanks for the award! I need a hug after that memory
Edit 2: 7 fucking awards? I guess I should thank the rubber chicken lady, without her I wouldn't have this story
Had a one-night stand who wanted me to spit in her face, drag her hair and call her things. Not my kind of kink. I'm so vanilla in bed it's almost embarrassing.
Nah man it's all good, don't let people vanilla shame you
Maintaining aggressive eye contact. The entire time.
Only enjoyed that from one guy
Sometimes my fiancé will start telling me about something that happened at work. Ffs 🙄
Surprised I havnt seen this. But when you’re both going at a different rhythm or pace then the other. Both trying to do to much. Can’t say I’ve ever had bad sex until I dated this one girl.
There was this one girl I dated that would just go for the complete wrong rhythm when we had sex. It's not like she was just going crazy either since any time I changed my rhythm to match hers she'd again desync from me and essentially just hit her body against me at the worst moment, grinding the flow to a halt every thrust.
It was very off-putting and didn't even feel like sex. I remember thinking that it felt more like she was just trying to annoy me or something lol
As a drummer this one really hits
I really hate it when someone squeezes my tits to the point that it fucking hurts. Like dude stop that, that’s not pleasurable at all.
Had a guy treat mine like turntables or something just smashed em flat and then twisted like yo karate kid what the fuck?
Wax on, wax off your nipples apparently.
Not even the nips it was the entire boob twist twist twist ouch
Like he's dialing a message back to his home planet or something.
That’s just bad behavior. Give their balloons a squeeze and say hey stop that or I’ll squeeze harder.
Don’t threaten me with a Good time
When she isn’t really engaged, like just doing it for me. Does she really think that I just want to use her body like a sex doll?
I can't keep going if the other person isn't engaged. I just don't want to, it doesn't feel good anymore, that's stop time.
Idk how common this is but I've had several women be really shocked about that, they didn't feel like they could just not want to anymore and have it be Ok to stop. Which makes me feel like, this is how women are saying to stop.
Having to be the one asks and/or initiate. It gets old.
Edit/ thanks everyone for the awards. Your comments are great. Remember, love is everything.
Wife had this problem somewhat. I would always have to start. Had this discussion a few times that "Hey man, why do I always have to start? Sometimes I have no idea of you are in the mood or not."
Turns out - she was in the mood more and I had a hard time reading that because, well, no indication of it.
Now it has gotten better and we actually have more sex than we used to because she does more flirty stuff and relaxes at night beforehand and that helps too.
My cat jumping on the bed
Not being with a partner that cares about you. I can’t do one night stands. I just want to be with one person.
When my bf looks away while doing it
I do it sometimes because eye contact makes me cum faster
Excessive kissing. I need to be able to breathe.
Breathe through the other persons lungs
take their oxygen directly
When she says "just do whatever you want" Wtf no!!! Can we both do what we both want instead?
What she means: "I'm giving him the freedom to explore, experiment, and maybe stretch the boundaries!"
What it sounds like: "Nothing you do is going to work anyway, so I won't bother to ask."
This is true. Liking the guy enough to give him full freedom means she is really really into him. However, like you said. It just sounds like she doesn't even care.
Seeing my stomach rolls when my legs are behind my head lmao
Edit: So many people are replying to this going on about my flexibility. In reality, I just have joint hypermobility syndrome :’) sometimes, when you want the D to hit the right spot, disability has got your back B)
If you are flexible enough to put your legs behind your head he does not care about stomach rolls.
Or if he's literally fucking you, I think you're good.
Everyone's stomach does that in that position lol, guys don't give it a second thought. Good on your flexibility though!
I don't know. As a guy I'm pretty self conscious too when my legs are behind my head.
Same but that's because I don't bleach my asshole
>sometimes, when you want the D to hit the right spot, disability has got your back
Mean comments about my body. In the middle of sex.
Yes, I know my pussy doesn't look "neat" and "pretty" like all the porn stars, but if you EVER want a chance to get inside it, don't be such a fucking prick.
Who the fuck insults someone they want to fuck unless it's discussed prior and you're into humiliation/degradation play.
Trying so many positions in under a minute that I've got whiplash.
That isn't normal.
Ejaculation. I'm a guy and once that happens, it's pretty much over for me.
It’s crazy, it’s like there’s a little switch in your head that flips instantaneously to “oh sex? Who needs it, not interested.”
Then ten minutes later it’s like “nvm interested again”
It’s like a cool down timer in a video game
Holy fuck exactly, and it's not even that I'm not hard anymore, I just don't wanna have sex anymore
The term 'sexy time' being used.............makes me cringe
Edit: I've seen people comment on things like preggers, watch this for a laugh https://youtu.be/EShUeudtaFg
Ha yeah same here. The use of the word "hubby" also instantly kills my boner.
Have you ever nutted while on morphine? That's some shit right there.
Edit: I just realized you didn't type morphine.
To escape or to enter?
The kids screaming, “Mom. Mom. Mom.” through the bedroom door.
When a guy uses a cutesy name for his cock
Any name for it really. I don't think I'd like 'Attila' or 'Pussycrasher' or 'Morgoth, destroyer of worlds' and more than Frank or weeny.
Edit: you know what, I think I'd be down for Destroyer of world's.
If a guy uses the word titties, I'm instantly turned off lol. I've tried to work through it in the past, but it seems like if he says it once he's gonna say it again & again..."ohhh yeahhh, lemme suck on those titties. Mmmm, I wanna titty fuck you so hard..." Haha I just can't.
making me call him daddy when i had a perfectly good childhood with my father
On the flip side, I’m a guy with a daughter who calls me daddy. Which makes it an absolute instant turnoff in sex or porn.
I’m a guy with no kids at all, and it’s an instant turn off for me, too. Blech.
Being asked what I wanna do. I’m indecisive I don’t like making decisions
Her hubby crying in the corner of the room.
Yeah at least masturbate ffs
What a legend
Honestly, when the bed squeaks or makes too much noise.
Edit: I did not expect this to be my most upvoted anything, this is crazy! Hi Mom!
Hotel headboard banging against the wall...sorry my neighbor next door.
Dated a girl whose bed hung from the ceiling by chains which was usually fine but if you're banging it was possible to hit the resonance frequency of the chains and shake the entire house (with her family in it)
When the house is a rockin', don't come a knockin'!
That's fucking hilarious! Possibly embarrassing, maybe structurally compromising to the house, over time, but hilarious!
When she says my name. I don't know why, but it does not do it for me...
Oh Jantakobi... Jantakobi..
Edit.. Thanks for all the awards!! I'm feeling as much love as Jantakobi does.
Why did I laugh so much at this? Lmao
Same! When she calls me Jantakobi. So weird!
I just replied the same thing. It just takes me out of the moment briefly and I feel like I need to say her name too out of politeness.
Oh yes fuck Michael fuck me...
If she claims her house is haunted.
"oh don't worry grandma just watches when I have sex, she doesn't join in"